Thursday, December 3, 2009

How Quickly Things Change

I must admit that I spoke too soon a couple of days ago. Last night did not go well. I really don't know the word that would describe they way I felt last night and all of today. Sad is the closest I can get. A deep, mind numbing sadness that I just couldn't shake all of last night and today. Some people would not be able to comprehend the level to which one's state of mind is affected during these periods of depression. The only example that could possibly compare to the feeling that affects me during these times is.. death. How would/have you felt when someone close to you has passed away? It feels like your soul has turned inwards and has hidden in a tunnel so dark that one can not even see a light at the end. Since I've dealt with these episodes for over 16 years now, I understand that these feelings will pass... eventually, but honestly, when I'm going through it and feeling what I feel, I just want it to stop. I want my mind to stop spinning, thinking, tearing me to pieces. I've worked through it tonight. It has lasted much longer in the past, but like I said two nights ago, I still truly think that I'm coming to understand my illness.
To even say that what I have is an illness is a big step for me. It has taken me 16 years just to start to accept this as being part of my life and to realize that it is a true medical illness. I always had a hard time dealing with people that would make comments about one person or another that was "depressed", mostly because I was one of those people. I realize depression is more recognized today than it was 16 years ago, but it's still difficult to realize that there are people out there that believe that it's something that those of us that suffer from Clinical Depression CAN just get up out of bed, get ourselves dressed, and do what we need to do. If it was that simple, don't you think we would be doing it? Who wants to feel that kind of penetrating sadness, the uncontrollable self-loathing thoughts, the muscle pains, lack of energy, and segregation from the rest of world? I can't think of anyone. So, I'm sorry tonight's blog is not upbeat, but it comes from my pain that's in my heart and soul. I need to purge it somewhere... Don't you agree?
On another note, I've made some additional goals. Yellow. I'm going to bring more yellow into my life. Quite a few years ago, I was seeing a therapist that asked me to choose a color that would explain how I felt when I felt good and full of energy as opposed to depressed with no energy to spare. I told her Yellow. She then asked me what things make me feel this Yellow. I could only think of one example... my younger sister, Emily. Coincidentally during the same time, she happened to give me a Live Strong band that my brother gave her and at that time she happened to have two and she decided to unselfishly give me one. As the majority of us know, the Live Strong bands are Yellow. I didn't realize it, but during the moments that I explained to my therapist that Yellow was my happy and what made me the happiest was
my baby sister, I realized I was turning the band over and over again on my wrist. So, I'm going to make a goal to spend more time with my Yellow girl. I know she will read this sometime soon. I want to tell her that I know it's tough, but always remember that you are the one and only thing that brought and still brings sunshine into my life when I needed/need it the most. I love you.
So those of you reading this think about your color and what makes you the happiest.

Here's a link to Live Strong's dares take a peek.


  1. I do not know where to begin after reading this. I can't even put it into words. yes it was sad to read that because knowing that your sad hurts me. But reading this has also made me feel happier then any sister could ever feel. How I am your sunshine or your yellow. Because after reading this last part I will tell you my initial reaction: I felt yellow. I felt happiness, more happiness that i have ever felt at one time.I love you erin. I love you more then anyone in the whole world. I know life is hard and I know sometimes you are not dealt the best hand in life. But when I say I look up to you, it is because of your strength and courage. For your happiness, even when you find it impossible to be at time. For you ability to laugh and laugh hard. For dealing with people who try to bring you down (because secretly they are jealous.) You are amazing...everyday you defeat the odds. Everyday you wake up you prove you are stronger then so many other out there. Remember each day that is hard that it will get better. Remember that you will come out of it. Remember the happiness... remember the times we spend together. i love you erbs, you are the best big sister anyone could wish for.

  2. you are such a beautiful person and have done so well in learning to deal with your illness. I don't think I could be so strong yet I get strength from you to deal with things that really are "small stuff". Keep writing and inspiring me to complain less about stupit stuff and keep writng and listening to what you write- I love you!