Two Steps Backward, One Step Forward

When I have set goals in my life, I've unrealistically thought that they would possibly be easy, but they never are, are they? For the past two days I've been ill. For some odd reason, when I become sick, I also become depressed. It's aggravating and not fair! Why should anyone have to be depressed and sick all at the same time? (At least seeing that I just pouted made me laugh).

Missing work at my job is a "no no". Not because they don't give us sick time, but because there is so much work that one person has to do and to put all that work on 4 or 5 other people is difficult to have to think about. We are all so stressed at my job that you would think that we were in real estate or stock brokers. In reality, what causes our stress is not the economy, but not being able to leave at the end of the day and feel like we've put 100% into our job. Don't get me wrong, all of us give 200% to our job, but are only able to accomplish possibly 50% of it each day. When leaving at the end of the day, I can't think of one fellow employee that believes they have finished or completed all that they have needed to do. It's not a good feeling, knowing that you are leaving things unfinished.

Many of us speak to people during the day that that treat us like pieces of $hit. They do not know or realize the work that we do on a daily basis. There are many of them that are not understanding, and they shouldn't have to be. They are paying for a service that we tell them they are paying more for because of the fact that they have an individual specialist handling all aspects of their payroll/taxes, etc., but in fact one specialist is dealing with 250 or more clients, so how are we supposed to provide what we promise? We can't. It's extremely frustrating.

So, my goal for today is to do the best that I can possibly do and to REALIZE that what I am doing IS the best that I can possibly do. Doing all that I can, is all that anyone can truly ask from me, isn't it?

"This Too Shall Pass"

All of us experience difficult and stressful moments in our lives. How we deal with those situations will effect the outcome of the rest of that day, week, month, year, and possibly the rest of our lives. I've realized that the quote "This too shall pass" famously stated by Abraham Lincoln during a speech he gave to the Wisconsin State Agricultural Society, is and always will be one of the truest phrases ever spoken. Everything will come and go. Time will continue whether we want it to or not. Time stops for nothing. If time does not stop that means that all must move forward, including those days that we wish would hurry past.

Waiting for time to pass can at times be painful; like watching the hands of a clock tick by. We all have experienced heartache and the extreme pain that is felt almost seems as if it will never go away, but alas it does..... eventually. So, in summary, feelings of despair will eventually subside, as there is no way to stop the healing hands of time.

Each time I experience what I felt the other night, I look up to the sky and ask "Why"? I sometimes think that if there is such things as past lives that I must have been someone horrible to have to deal with an illness such as this, that most people can't even understand or empathize with. On the other hand, I also think that maybe I was given this illness as a gift. Not for myself, but for others. Maybe I'm meant to help others who have struggled just like me. I've always felt the weight of the world on my shoulders and that I was meant to help humankind. At first it was as a doctor or nurse, but maybe it's just as me. Maybe who I am, what I am, and have experienced is the best and greatest gift I have to offer. So, where do I begin?

By the way, I ate a slice of cheese today...not good...not good at all...lol...

Have a good night everyone!

How Quickly Things Change

I must admit that I spoke too soon a couple of days ago. Last night did not go well. I really don't know the word that would describe they way I felt last night and all of today. Sad is the closest I can get. A deep, mind numbing sadness that I just couldn't shake all of last night and today. Some people would not be able to comprehend the level to which one's state of mind is affected during these periods of depression. The only example that could possibly compare to the feeling that affects me during these times is.. death. How would/have you felt when someone close to you has passed away? It feels like your soul has turned inwards and has hidden in a tunnel so dark that one can not even see a light at the end. Since I've dealt with these episodes for over 16 years now, I understand that these feelings will pass... eventually, but honestly, when I'm going through it and feeling what I feel, I just want it to stop. I want my mind to stop spinning, thinking, tearing me to pieces. I've worked through it tonight. It has lasted much longer in the past, but like I said two nights ago, I still truly think that I'm coming to understand my illness.

To even say that what I have is an illness is a big step for me. It has taken me 16 years just to start to accept this as being part of my life and to realize that it is a true medical illness. I always had a hard time dealing with people that would make comments about one person or another that was "depressed", mostly because I was one of those people. I realize depression is more recognized today than it was 16 years ago, but it's still difficult to realize that there are people out there that believe that it's something that those of us that suffer from Clinical Depression CAN just get up out of bed, get ourselves dressed, and do what we need to do. If it was that simple, don't you think we would be doing it? Who wants to feel that kind of penetrating sadness, the uncontrollable self-loathing thoughts, the muscle pains, lack of energy, and segregation from the rest of world? I can't think of anyone. So, I'm sorry tonight's blog is not upbeat, but it comes from my pain that's in my heart and soul. I need to purge it somewhere... Don't you agree?

On another note, I've made some additional goals. Yellow. I'm going to bring more yellow into my life. Quite a few years ago, I was seeing a therapist that asked me to choose a color that would explain how I felt when I felt good and full of energy as opposed to depressed with no energy to spare. I told her Yellow. She then asked me what things make me feel this Yellow. I could only think of one example... my younger sister, Emily. Coincidentally during the same time, she happened to give me a Live Strong band that my brother gave her and at that time she happened to have two and she decided to unselfishly give me one. As the majority of us know, the Live Strong bands are Yellow. I didn't realize it, but during the moments that I explained to my therapist that Yellow was my happy and what made me the happiest was

my baby sister, I realized I was turning the band over and over again on my wrist. So, I'm going to make a goal to spend more time with my Yellow girl. I know she will read this sometime soon. I want to tell her that I know it's tough, but always remember that you are the one and only thing that brought and still brings sunshine into my life when I needed/need it the most. I love you.

So those of you reading this think about your color and what makes you the happiest.

Here's a link to Live Strong's dares http://www.livestrong.com/dares/ take a peek.

Looking Back at Me

The last 2 days have been great. Seriously, and for me to say that, then it's saying something.

Some of you may know that I suffer from depression, so there are many days that are harder than others, but I definitely feel like I'm going over a hump in my life. I've often wondered when the day would come that I would start being ok with ME. The person that I am inside and outside. A lot of you can relate, I'm sure. How many of us look in the mirror and see all the imperfections instead of all the good? (I'm raising my hand right now!!). It's exhausting, isn't it? I'm tired of it. I realized that no matter what, to be completely ok with myself, I really have to start liking myself and accepting the person I am, just the way I am. I know it seems sappy, but it's true. I feel different lately. Stronger may be the word, confident? I'm not sure, but I do know that for the first time in more than 20 years, I feel good about Me. Possibly have to do with not eating cheese....(JK)... more likely has to do with setting goals in my life.. finally. Thanks again to those of you who have joined my blog. I will write down my goals later tonight for the last 2 days... Smile tonight!

Day 2

So, day one went well. I did not eat any cheese, except for the string cheese (it's allowed, remember?). My niece's birthday party was yesterday afternoon and I did eat a lot of carbs. I know I haven't made a goal to cut back on carbs, but I think I'm going to have to switch the kinds of carbs I eat. There is a very strong possibility that I have a gluten intolerance because I often don't feel well after eating things such as pasta, breads, and most things with wheat/gluten in them. Darn Irish genes!!! I already have stomach issues, so I'm going to try and switch over to gluten free products. I know Whole Foods and Wegmans carries gluten free products, but has anyone ever seen the pricing??? It's ridiculous. At least they are starting to make the products tastier.. good article here - http://www.allstarhealth.com/blog/new-products/gluten-free-just-got-tastier/#more-2718 So, it's something I'm going to have to put money aside for and make a shopping list. Hopefully this will help with the no energy/tired feeling I constantly have. Not much to post today, pretty tired today - stayed up too late watching the 2nd Transformers...Loved it.

Strange Things Goals Are

Having a goal is exciting, even more so when you talk to the cyber-world about it (I only have 2 followers by the way.... my boyfriend and Molly Grrrl--my dog). Working towards a goal is hard work. I know, it hasn't even been a whole day...ha ha.

This morning Rob was making eggs and eating slices of my favorite supermarket's (it begins with a W) deli style -American cheese... right in front of me. Can you believe it? He said he was doing me a favor by eating it...UMMMMM not right in front of me. I almost tackled him to get at the slice he was dangling in front my face. B

rat (yeah you heard me.. teee hee).

I have another goal. I'm getting ahead of myself, but I think I'm going to make a small goal each day and a larger one once a month. I'm going to start walking more. I already take the stairs each day at work and walking up my apartment, but I'm going to spend more time taking in the fresh air and enjoying a brisk stroll every day... if possible.

Molly Grrrl doesn't know it yet, but she's going to be my walking partner....shhhh.

Epiphany

I came to one realization this morning... I do believe that I do not like eggs without cheese. Ugh. Boring. Ate butternut squash soup instead. Yummy.